


Something to Discuss

by blustersquall



Series: Cullen Rutherford x Nevena Trevelyan [8]
Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3802327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blustersquall/pseuds/blustersquall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An apology, long needed to be given, leads to the Inquisitor and Commander Cullen's first kiss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something to Discuss

**Author's Note:**

> The argument Nevena mentions is a short that I wrote and can be red here: http://blustersquall.tumblr.com/post/110376219799/oh-16-first-huge-fight-ill-go-with

She had been pacing the bridge between Skyholds main keep and the Commander’s tower for the best part of an hour. Walking the same pathway back and forth waiting for his office to empty out and for a moment where they could talk in private.

The Commander was always thorough in his debriefings, it was just one of the many qualities Nevena admired about him. He made sure his scouts and his high ranking soldiers knew what they were doing. That there could be no question of the tasks they had been given. In turn meant they could properly feed the information down into their own ranks and squads without there being a misunderstanding or miscommunication.

Still, the length of time it took to order those under his command was surprising and Nevena was growing steadily more anxious by the moment.

A few times she hovered by the door and listened to hear if there was any movement. Any sign that those inside would be leaving. She could hear his voice inside each time, clear and steadfast, no hesitation but there was yet to be a hint of anyone being dismissed. So Nevena returned to the bridge and took to walking her path again.

Her anxiety and nerves felt foolish. She meant only to speak to the Commander, not an unfamiliar thing. They spoke most days over the war table after all. But this was a personal matter. Far more so than most other matters they had discussed. It was of a sensitive nature, much like their talks about his no longer taking lyrium, and the issues that had arisen from that. 

Thankfully, a matter now more in hand, and without having to compromise his choice to no longer rely on it.

There was additional concern of her time. It was precious. Every time she heard someone talking or footsteps she jumped, worried it would be Cassandra coming to find her or one of Leliana’s messengers. The free time she had as Inquisitor was scarce, she wanted to make the most of it while she could.

She wanted to put it to use before she left Skyhold for weeks once again Putting most distance between herself and Cullen. Between him and what she wanted to say.

Nudging a stone with the toe of her boot, she glanced up when she heard voices and the sounds of the different doors of Cullen’s tower opening.

Men and women in Inquisition livery filed out. Some talking, others going over their orders. Two women walked the bridge towards the keep. They both nodded their heads in respect, mumbling: “Inquisitor” to Nevena. She asked them if the Commander was alone, they told her he was and she thanked them before they carried on their way.

She took a breath to settle her stomach, staring at the door a few feet away. Standing, she straightened her back and squared her shoulders, head and chin high. She was the Inquisitor, and she looked the part when she approached the door and knocked, rapping her knuckles against the wood.

“What now?” Cullen’s voice from inside was almost a growl and it sent all of Nevena’s bravado fleeing.

Perhaps he was in a mood. 

She wondered in the lyrium withdrawal was causing him pain once more and decided to retreat before she was caught. Turning, she began to walk back to the keep on quick, light steps.

“Inquisitor?”

She froze to the sound of his voice and grimaced. She should have run. Forcing what she hoped was a smile to her face, she turned to the ball of her foot to look at him.

He stood in the doorway, holding it open with one hand, the other on the lintel. Sunlight reflected off his breast plate, and shone gold on his hair. Not for the first time she was struck by just how handsome the Commander was. How attracted she was to him. 

He stood tall, over six foot, broad across the chest and shoulders, even without his armor she knew that would be so. He never hunched, always stood straight-backed and proud, alert and aware of everything going on around him. He appeared every inch the Commander his title described.

She examined him for a moment to see if there were any signs of the lyrium pains. His eyes looked clear and she could not see any dark hollows underneath them. He stood straight and tall, no hint of a hunch or of the unsteadiness she had witnessed before.

“Did you knock?” asked Cullen, a flash of a smile gracing his mouth.

Nevena tucked her hair behind her ear, “yes. I can come back though, if you’re busy.”

“I’m not busy.” Cullen stepped to one side, gesturing for her to enter his office, “please.”

He smiled again, with genuine warmth. A lop-sided smile which made butterflies go wild in Nevena’s belly every time she saw it. Now was no different, and the intensity of it, mingled with her already predominant nerves made her feel a little sick.

Managing to swallow it down, Nevena entered his office. 

His body took up part of the doorway so she brushed him as she walked past. Her body tingled and she felt warmth seep up from the tips of her fingers over her arm and through to her chest. She felt her cheeks warm when the door closed and knew there was colour rising up. It bloomed on her chest and her cheeks when Cullen walked past her to his desk. 

His body grazed her this time, and she wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not.

So many of his actions confused her and made her head spin. She would sometimes catch him look at her, a small unreadable smile on his face. If she caught him he would glance away and a little pinkness would stain his face and his ears. 

On more than one occasion he had held her hand to move tokens across the map in the war room, leaving her skin feeling like it was on fire. He stood close when they discussed things, almost intimately close, lowering his voice to a level which made every one of her hairs stand to attention.

Nevena watched him shuffle some papers on his desk.

She felt like she was burning underneath her clothes. 

The atmosphere in his office was stuffy, stifling, even with the broken ceiling letting in air and light from above. She found herself staring at the owl ornament on his wall, at its piercing eyes and its outstretched wings. Underneath it’s gaze she felt small and powerless, like prey about to be caught. Only she was willingly walking into the jaws of a predator. 

And a large part of her hoped he wanted her.

“Was there something on your mind?” asked Cullen, organizing a pile of books on the corner of his desk.

“Yes!” Nevena’s voice came out pinched and tight. She cleared her throat feeling herself blush and swept her hair back again behind one ear. She needed to focus, she had come with a purpose. She inhaled and squeezed her hands into fists at her sides while closing her eyes. The sharp scratch of her nails digging into her palms was enough clear her mind for the moment.

When she lifted her head, Cullen was stacking the books on the shelves.

She walked a few paces towards him and then stopped by the ladder which led up to his sleeping quarters. “I wanted to apologize to you.” He stopped stacking, “ _needed_  to, actually.” She amended.

Cullen put the books on the shelf and turned to her. His brows had furrowed into the frown she was familiar with. The look he had when he was trying to work out something which he found complex or did not fully understand. “Apologize?”

“Yes,” she approached him. 

She noticed she was winding her fingers around each other and dropped her hands to her sides. 

“In Haven, you had some strong opinions on the mage alliance. I… said some unkind things, thinking that your opinion came only from your history as a Templar,” she spoke without letting him get a word in, afraid that if she did she would lose her nerve. “I regret them. They were callous and unkind. Had I known then… what I know now, about Ferelden’s Circle and… and you,” she made a vague gesture with her hands. “Well, I would not have said what I did. I’m… sorry, for what it’s worth, for what I said then.”

For a few heartbeats Cullen said nothing.

He stood quite still, staring at her with an expression she couldn’t read. Nevena almost cowered under his gaze, thinking perhaps she should not have said anything. That perhaps he had wanted to leave the whole episode of his lyrium withdrawal behind and that talking about Ferelden’s Circle was not to be done. Not even in private.

Then she saw his expression soften. A smile on his handsome mouth, and his eyes growing gentle. No longer seeing her as a puzzle. It was the same look he had given her on the battlements a few days after she had seen the withdrawal at its worst.

Nevena’s stomach twisted and squirmed pleasurably. When he stepped towards her, closing the space between them, it plummeted to her feet rooting her to the spot.

“Thank you, Inquisitor,” Cullen stood barely two feet from her, hands at his sides. Nevena noticed he was flexing them, that he looked uncertain what to do. “I appreciate the apology, though it’s not necessary. You weren’t to know, after all.”

“I know.” Nevena nodded. Her hair tumbled over her shoulder. She saw Cullen lift his hand and then drop it as she swept it back into place. “But the apology still stands.” She nibbled her bottom lip as she smiled at him, her blush creeping back up her face. Shafts of light were illuminating his face through the floorboards above.

She found herself struck again by how handsome he was. Warmth blossomed in her chest and she could feel it burning on her face.

The silence dragged for several seconds, the two of them looking at each other, and silently fumbling for words to say.

Cullen recovered quickest, returning to the safety of their platonic working relationship. His smile became more business-like and he went to his shelves again. “Was there something else?” he asked her, his tone still casual but lacking the warmth of before.

Again, Nevena found herself steeling herself, straightening her back and summoning up what small reserves of courage she had. She had to say something now.  _Do_  something. Otherwise they would never get a chance.

“Actually,” she approached him. He turned to give her his attention, “yes. I was hoping… I thought we could talk.” She gulped and hoped it wasn’t as loud as it sounded in her ears. “Alone.”

Cullen’s eyes widened a fraction. “Alone?” He repeated, “I… mean, of course.” he glanced about his office. “We…  _are_  alone.”

A nervous giggle staggered past Nevena’s lips. “Right. We are. That’s…” she rubbed her forehead, “so we are.” She smothered her face in her hands, feeling foolish and small. Her confidence was gone, she had lost any experience she had once clung to. She was a mess whenever Cullen was around. There was no point. “You kn-”

“Would you like to go for a walk?” Cullen cut her off and gently touched her elbow. Nevena peered up at him over her fingers. He offered a small kind smile. “I’m sure I can spare ten minutes for you,” Nevena noticed he leaned towards her before he caught himself, sputtering, “an-and I could use the air.”

Grinning, Nevena nodded, “that would be nice.”

They left his office through the left side door, leaving the gloom of his office for the bright sunshine outside. In the bright parts of the battlements it was warm, in the shade the temperature dropped. Guards walked past them on their patrols, and a handful of mercenaries and nobles were scattered, wandering and talking in hushed voices.

No one paid them any mind as they walked along one battlement wall, through the tower connected to the tavern and onto the next part of the wall.

They walked in silence, a small distance between the two of them, Nevena closest to the outside wall and Cullen at her side. They fell into step, the air between the two of them growing more tense and stagnant every few yards as the weighty silence grew. Nevena wracked her mind for something to say, anything to comment on. Her shoes were interesting. She thought about asking after his recruits, she knew he had recently sent some down into the valley to protect the growing number of pilgrims.

Her stomach was turning, she was certain she would be sick. Her palms were clammy and she tried to wipe them on her breeches as casually as she could without making it obvious. Each time her hand accidentally brushed his they exchanged sheepish smiles and bashful apologies, looking away from each other. 

Her skin prickled with every touch and she found herself discharging bursts of lightning from her fingers.

“It’s a nice day…” Cullen finally broke their uncomfortable silence, chuckling weakly at the end of his words. He rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit she noticed he had. His head turned, Nevena noticed him looking up at the windows of her room at the top of the keep.

“What?” She asked, coming to a stop at his side.

“It’s…” he turned and faced her, “there was something you wished to discuss?”

She clenched her hands behind her back. 

 _Why_  was this so hard? It had never been this difficult in the Circle to tell someone she had liked them. Of course, none of those men had been Cullen, and none of them had made her feel how Cullen did. Giddy and nervous, flighty and warm just from a look.

Part of her mind was telling her to turn and run. To save what little dignity she had because what she wanted could never happen. Not just because she was the Inquisitor, but because she was a mage. He had experienced horrors she could never imagine, suffered at the hands of mages for the crime of being a Templar. How could he think of her as anything else…

The space behind her nose prickled.

She had to ask, at least then she would know. And she could move on.

Steadying herself on the stonework, she looked at him, tilting her head. “Cullen, I…” she swallowed to dampen her throat, “I care for you,” heat flooded her cheeks. She saw Cullen’s expression flicker for a moment, a betrayal of his well concealed emotions. A glimpse of surprise quickly schooled, “and I…” Nevena sighed, fighting to find the right words.

“What’s wrong?” Cullen took a step towards her, an edge of urgency in his tone.

“I’m a mage.” stated Nevena, meeting his gaze squarely, hoping she appeared far braver than she felt. “After what you’ve been through, could you…” she shifted, “think of me as anything more?” Her clasped her hand on the wall into a fist, digging her fingernails into her skin.

There was a pregnant pause where Nevena watched Cullen look away. She held her breath, waiting for the rejection. It would be painless, like a scratch from a thorn on a rose bush, sharp for a moment and then gone. She would be able to move on once she knew there was no chance.

“I could.” Cullen stated, lifting his gaze and looking at her for a moment. Nevena felt all the air rush out of her lungs, like she had been winded. “I mean, I-uh-I do, think of you,” continued Cullen, rubbing his finger across his brow. He turned and carried on walking a few steps, “and what I might say in this sort of situation.”

Nevena followed, her feet moving almost of their own accord. She had not been expecting his admission. He thought of her. He  _thought_  of her. Saw her as more than a mage. She felt strangely light, even while her stomach continued to twist and turn on itself, knotting tighter and tighter.

Leaning her back against the stone parapet, she stopped as Cullen did. Her throat felt like it was closing over. She took a gulp of air. “What’s stopping you?” She cocked her head to one side, watching him.

“You’re the Inquisitor,” began Cullen, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “We’re at war and,” he glanced away grimacing uncomfortably. “You haven’t always seen me in the best light.”

He edged towards her, a foot or so between the two of them. He was so close she could smell the polish he used on his armor, the scent of his leathers and the earthy fragrance of the bear fur collar around his shoulders.

Tilting her head to one side, Nevena’s lips curved into a small smile, barely containing her bubbling excitement. “And yet I’m still here.” She shrugged one shoulder.

“So you are,” Cullen chuckled through his nose, almost smirking. He inched towards her again, his voice dropping to a velvety tone which made a pleasurable shudder ripple up Nevena’s spine. 

“It seems too much to ask,” he continued. Nevena saw him angle his head. Her hands lay on parapet behind her, the stone cool on her hot palms. Cullen slid his hands across her waist, making her skin tremble underneath her clothes. He was so close she could feel his breath on her face, sending loose tendrils of hair flying. “But I want to.”

Cullen’s breath tickled her lips, she leaned towards him, rising up onto her toes. Nevena’s eyelids fluttered closed, she felt her heart leaping in her throat and could hear her blood screaming in her veins.

Just one more inch and–

“Commander!”

Her eyes snapped open and she saw Cullen’s gaze on hers, confused for a moment, startled and then descending into quiet anger. 

Disappointment pooled in her belly, mixing with humiliation as he turned away from her to address the clueless messenger who had interrupted.

She realized there would always be something. 

Something to tear them apart if they embarked on a relationship together. There would always be reports, or drills. She would always be wandering to far flung corners of Thedas to close Rifts or combat demons or parley with possible allies. And if they never closed all the Rifts? If they never truly defeated Corypheus? What then?

Would it work? Would it be worth it? 

He had said it himself, they were at war. And there was no telling how long that war would continue to drag. It could be over in a month. It could be over in ten years. She could die in a week. Or a month. She dealt with danger and possible death and threats against her life every day. Would it be fair to put someone through that? Someone like Cullen who had his own demons to face and his own battles to fight?

For a few seconds Nevena debated turning and fleeing, running to the nearest tower and hiding away in shame and embarrassment, but she noticed the messenger retreating back towards the tower he had come from, looking terrified.

Her moment to run had gone.

Sighing, she patted one hand on the wall, looking down at the ground. Cullen was needed elsewhere, this… whatever it was, would have to wait. “If you need t-”

Then he was kissing her and she gasped, going tense in surprise.

He cupped her face in his gloved hands, secure but gentle. She could pull away if she wanted to. His lips on her were cool, insistent and hard, pouring unsaid words into the kiss. Nevena’s stomach descended somewhere to her feet, her heart thudded behind her rib cage.

She moved her lips against his experimentally, her mouth opening a little at the drag of his tongue across her lower lip. Relaxing into his hands, she arched her body towards him, holding to his waist, digging her fingers into his cloak to stay upright and grounded. Kissing him back just as ardently and with as much heat.

 _Maker’s breath_ , she had wanted this. She had  _dreamed_  about this. About kissing him. About being kissed  _by_  him. She had turned into a giddy teenager at the mere thought of it but the reality was better than anything her mind had conjured.

He kissed with purpose, with carefully controlled strength and fervor. She liked it. She liked how he kissed her, like she was a puzzle to be solved and she could feel in his lips the excitement she felt mirrored back. She found she wanted to keep kissing him. Wanted him to keep kissing her.

Cullen pulled away without warning. His hands remained around her face, and Nevena found herself chasing her breath, blinking through the thrilling haze that had settled.

“I’m sorry,” he sputtered, blushing on his cheeks and ears. He looked at the ground for a moment, and then at her. “That was, uhm,” the corner of his mouth quirked, “ _really_  nice.”

Feeling her stomach squirm and an eagerness to kiss him again, Nevena caught herself. She had to be sure. Sure that he wanted this. That it wasn’t just a momentary lack of judgement. She was a mage, after all. And he had been a Templar. 

She had to know, for herself.

Licking her lips, she noticed his eyes follow the trail of her tongue, the honey-brown irises she knew darkening lustfully.

“You don’t regret it,” she inclined towards him, feeling her nerves shivering under her skin. “Do you?”

“No!” He answered without missing a beat, eyebrows raising in surprise at her question. His expression relaxed and softened a moment later. “No, not at all.”

She was ready when he kissed her again, and reciprocated enthusiastically. She leaned into him, molding her lips over his, tasting him with the tip of her tongue slicking across his top lip. Taking the moment to feel and imprint what his mouth felt like, how his hands held her steady at her waist and her lower back, never travelling lower.

Her hands followed the lines of his body, rising over his arms and shoulders settling in the fur around his shoulders where she wound strands around her fingers. She danced on her toes to stay close, taking short breaths whenever there was a moment their mouths broke.

Cullen slid his tongue across her bottom lip, a gesture Nevena was too weak to resist. She sighed, her mouth opening a fraction. Winding her fingers up into Cullen’s hair she pressed her mouth against his more assertively and slipped her tongue between his lips, forgetting for a moment they were out in the open for all to see.

Nevena felt his shock at her boldness, a momentary stiffening of Cullen’s body against hers, which passed quickly. His hands tightened on her clothes, fingers digging into her body underneath the fabric.

All there was at that moment was him. His touch, his taste, the sounds of his breathing. The way his large hands felt on her small frame, warm, safe and secure. How his tongue pressed and wound against hers with quiet, heady confidence turning her knees weak.

She didn’t feel the stone of the wall pressing into her back, nor did she care that messengers, scouts, soldiers and nobles alike were all probably watching. All she felt was the heat in her belly spreading like flames over her skin and through her veins. Her desires overwhelming her and making her chase Cullen for kiss after kiss.

This was something she had wanted for too long, something she had not considered possible. And it was happening. She was not about to let it pass quietly or easily like it was something shameful.

Somewhere nearby, someone released a high pitched wolf whistle. 

The noise was enough to snap both Commander and Inquisitor to their senses, eyes flying open and lips parting a few inches. The pair of them breathing fast, gazing at each other in shock. Nevena bit her bottom lip. Cullen’s cheeks were flushed, his lips kiss swollen and tempting. He cupped her face in one hand, sweeping his thumb across her lower lip.

His lips curled into a grin, bright and a smile Nevena had not witnessed before. She found herself giggling, nudging her head forward and finding Cullen’s forehead to nuzzle again while he chuckled.

“I really should get back to those reports, Inquisitor.” He told her, his tone low and his mouth beside her ear. He stroked her cheek bone, “but perhaps we could continue this discussion later?”

“Yes, Commander.” She replied humming, lifting her gaze to meet his which was swimming and affectionate. A look which made the fluttering of butterflies in her stomach increase. “I would like that  _very_ much.”

After a final quick kiss, Cullen departed, first in the wrong direction which he quickly corrected, almost marching past Nevena as she bit back her amusement. Once he was safely out of view in the closest tower, Nevena slid down the stone work and buried her face in her forearms on her knees. She felt her cheeks burn and begin to ache with the smile she struggled to suppress.

She would have to get a grip soon. She would be wanted in the war room, or someone would be looking for her at the very least and she couldn’t be found burning bright red, grinning like a fool as she was now.

Her shoulders shook as she laughed to herself silently, replaying the kiss and what had come before it moment for moment in her mind. She touched her lips, feeling the ghost of Cullen’s still there. The memory made her flush more deeply, igniting her cheeks her chest with renewed heat.

Nevena rose to her feet. She decided a walk would help.

 

* * *

 

By Mappeli @ deviantart


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